All tagged chronic pain

you coming back to you

What do we talk about when we want to express something immeasurable, meaningful, fascinating, breathtaking and with tremendous magnitude of worth and beauty? We look up. We speak of stars and mystery and design.

Friends, every single one of us are already breathtaking beings. Stunning stars. “The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.” ― Carl Sagan, Cosmos

off the trail

Depression isn’t sadness that just stuck around. Sadness can/will/does lift. Depression is the cloudy and colored lens impacting the shade and warmth of ‘as far as the eye can see.’ Depression accompanies chronic pain frequently because of the mental ram required to constantly right our ship. If there is not a fan (relief) in your hard drive, it overheats and your computer acts wonky or stops working. With our energy zapped and capacity maxed, our ship lists. We see the world at an angle because our reality is relative and therefore also at an angle. Skewed. Off-kilter. Something is wrong.

The misunderstanding, stigma and suspicion that follows pain patients sorely compounds and complicates our journey. Dismissive terms like “pill-seeking, all in your head, phantom pain” follow us around. Not only do we daily deal with the onslaught of sorting the minutia when it comes to the constant impacts and adjustments, but we have to convince others this is our reality, even with our doctors, especially if we don’t look like we constantly battle a demon…

The what and why of Pensive Impulse is my witness. I see this space as one of movement with time, finger exercise and volume, deep breaths and cat stretch, therapy and sorting, practice and play — while locating my timbre. I write long-form, which is not everyone’s cup of tea but I’m also not trying to be everyone’s cup of tea. That would make for some boring tea time.

It was 11pm. I was waiting on some samples to make their way up to my treetop lab with the viewing window, overlooking the sea of machinery below. Runs and belts and quart bottles bobbing over rollers. It was just me on second shift now. My trainer, a college student in chemistry, barely younger than myself, had moved back to day shift. The job wasn't complicated compared to last one - running a cold store of millions of compounds to prepare for scientific testing in product development. There was a solid plan for moving up management here, they had said in the interview. “Yes, sounds great.”

A Thousand Words

What does this picture say?

It says I didn’t give up all those years. It says I wanted to, I almost did, I tried, but I’m still here.

It says I still keep trying despite weekly pain spikes and daily flares and the host of what goes with just a half hour kayak trip.

This morning another jolt…We form our opinions whether they were famous or not. "They had everything. I'd love to have their problems. They were so selfish, they don't care about who is left behind." I've heard these and more. If you're human, then you're going to struggle. What causes me to struggle may be your superpower. What trips you up may not phase me. Or maybe we both can understand how deep the rabbit hole can go. Who can truly comprehend the demons of another? The journey of another?